Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Finding pretty in the ugly

I feel like I have been busy lately but that isn't entirely the case.  Mostly I just feel sluggish and unmotivated.  We are all unpacked in the new house, but I think I need a few weeks of normal routine-stuff under my belt to feel back in balance.  I also have been annoyed by not enough knitting time.  I haven't been able to go to knitting group this quarter and I sorely miss it. 

A couple of weeks ago I was violently ill for a night.  It was not pretty.  Not only was the hours of puking miserable, but I felt so out of control and anxious.  I don't know how to explain it other than to say, part of being sick was not the sickness itself, it was the frustration and anger at not feeling well and not knowing when I was going to feel better.

Fortunately it lasted only about 12 hours or so, but F got to witness the whole ugly mess.  I was kind of horrified at myself when it was all over.  One of the things that freaks me out about cohabitation and marriage are that you get to see ALL sides of your partner, not just the fun ones.  And then, somehow, despite the morning breath or the puking or having the death flu, you are supposed to still want to be intimate.  How does that work?  Well, I am figuring it out.  I am learning that if you love someone enough, you want to be a part of their world, with all the good, bad, fun, not fun, ugly, whatever.  And hopefully they feel the same way about you. 

In the morning I apologized, saying "I didn't want my boyfriend to see me like that."  His reply: "I'm more than your boyfriend.  I'm your SO."  Somehow, one of my most un-beautiful moments evolved into us being closer than ever.  I guess stuff like this is what it's all about.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The agnostic gives Easter a makeover

I seem to be getting worked up over things lately.  Maybe because I feel more like an adult now that I have a house (even though it's rented).  Maybe because of my advocacy training in grad school. 

Anyway.  Easter is about to change in my family. 

Old Easter:  Brunch at my mom's with my dad, two step-dads, and brothers.  Dinner at my grandma's with everyone, minus my dad & step-dad, plus some extended relatives.  My dad was never invited to dinner because Great-Uncle J attended, and he doesn't like gay people. (He actually walked out of my birthday party ~10 years ago because my dad & step-dad were there.)

New Easter V.1: No brunch because my mom is taking over Easter dinner since Grandma is getting older. 

This means 2 things:

1. I don't get to see my dad on Easter because there's no brunch.

2. I suggested to my mom, since it is at her house this year, that she invite my dad AND Uncle J, and if Uncle J doesn't want to come, that's his problem.  He is the one with the issue, so what right does he have to make it so I can't have Easter with my dad?  Mom did not like this idea, since it is important to Grandma to see Uncle J (who is Grandma's brother).

Okay.  I decided that I am not going to attend dinner, because I do not condone this discrimination.  My mom and dad, even though they are divorced, are still friends and happy to spend holidays together.  This is unusual and special, and yet some distant uncle is making it so this can't happen.  WTF, I say. 

New Easter, V.2: F and I are going to have Easter brunch at our house!  I invited everyone, including all my parents, grandparents, and Uncle J.  Here is what I said to him:

I have been sad that I have been unable to spend certain holidays with both you and my dad in the past, and it would mean a lot to me if we could all be together from this point forward.   I intend to make my home a positive and welcoming place for all of my family.
I doubt anything will change, but at least he will know how I feel.  We are not close, and so I'm not sure if he sees it from my perspective of not being able to spend holidays with my dad.  I think the fact that I'm not tip-toeing around this any longer, trying to keep the peace, will send a powerful message to my family even if he disregards the invitation.  
My mom pointed out that he and Grandma aren't going to be around forever.  True, but neither am I, and neither are my parents.  I want to spend time with them while they are still here and healthy.  If I let Uncle J pass away without at least trying, then I will most certainly regret it.