Thursday, September 15, 2011

As the summer days fade

School starts back up next week.  I only have 6 more days of summer break.  As nice as it's been to have some time where I didn't have homework hanging over my head, I think I am about ready to hit the books again.

I can't really sum up these past 5 weeks in one word.  They weren't exactly great, but they weren't terrible either. 

I took a fun little trip down to Stevenson, WA for the West Coast Subaru Show.  We stayed in a cabin on the river with another couple and it was glorious!

I taught the wife in the aforementioned couple how to knit, and it's been fun to see her progress!  She is a great student.

I got a lot of knitting time in myself and started going to knitting group again.  I went through almost four seasons of Nip Tuck while I worked on baby blankets.  I also finished a novel I'd been reading since April and started two new ones.  (That is one thing I miss during school: by the time I'm done with the required reading, the last thing I want to do is read for pleasure.)

My 3-day work weeks flew by since there were no classes in the evening....

I saw Midnight in Paris.  It was whimsical and charming.

I applied for new jobs and had an interview (but didn't get it). 

I got a new guinea pig named Cozi.  She is super friendly and loves to be held.  Right now she is in quarantine but next week I'll introduce her to Punky.

F and I had our relationship tested due to money issues but we're ok for now.  I think we have been growing as a couple lately and we are becoming more comfortable.  But at the same time that terrifies me and so I have been guilty of lashing out due to fear.  We also witnessed the dissolving of his BFF's engagement, and I think that has both made us stronger and simultaneously put extra stress on us. 

A lot can happen in a few weeks but they seemed to just fly by...

It is amazing to think about last fall and how I was still settling into my new relationship and my new school.  This year the relationship is older and more familiar but definitely not stale, and I am finding myself anxious to get back to the routine of school!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Messages from the universe

I am not much of a religious person, but I do believe that sometimes things happen for a reason.  I've had experiences where in the darkest hour a stranger held a door for me, or let me go ahead of them in line, or offered me a ride to the bus stop when I was running late.  I believe that people are generally more good than evil, and that a little kindness can go a long way.

In the past few months I've realized that my current job is not really a good fit.  After working in research for over six years and completing a year of graduate school in education, I am ready to move up and on.  I am a very committed person, so I did go to my supervisor first to talk about advancement since I'd like to stay where I am until I graduate. Unfortunately, he is not open to it.  I'm at the top of the pay scale with the highest title I can have for the kind of work he needs.  So I've been looking for a new job that is a better fit with my goals.  I finally landed an interview last week and it went well.  She was checking my references and I had a second interview lined up this week.  However, I got a call today that she had chosen someone else.

Yes, I am a bit bummed because it would have been a great opportunity.  I went to have coffee with a my coworker during our break and on the way back we were riding in the elevator with a woman who started talking to us.  "I like your shoes," she said to me.  And then she called my coworker and me "cute" and told my coworker she had a great smile.

It wasn't a big deal, and the woman seemed a little crazy, but it was just the perfect boost at the perfect time.  It's things like that that make me remember that even if I'm a little disappointed now, things will work out in the end.  Maybe there is a better job out there, or maybe I will be able to quit in a few months and be a full-time student.  Who knows?  In the meantime, I will keep persevering...

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The many layers of love

The recent breakup of a friend's engagement has me thinking a lot about love lately.  What is it?  What makes it disappear or endure?  What, exactly, is "true love"?  Is it that sparkly passion of Scarlett and Rhett, or is it the comfort and security of Ron and Hermione?

In the past, I have been guilty of dropping the L-bomb a bit too freely.  I think I said it at one point or another in every monogamous/serious relationship I've had, although the frequency varied.  For example, with non-bf I probably said it less than 10 times over three years because he never returned the sentiment.  With my boyfriend before that, we said it daily.

When I ponder over past relationships, of course with hindsight being 20/20, I think, "Oh, I didn't love him," or "That wasn't true love."  But that thinking is faulty.  Because I did love them.  At the time.  I loved them with what I knew about love when I was with them.  Sometimes the love was more about teenage hormones and other times it was more about friendship.  Sometimes it was about passion and excitement, and sometimes is was about loving love itself.  Sometimes it was about the other person, sometimes it was about me, and sometimes it was just about not wanting to be alone.  We are all guilty of that. 

This love I feel for F is different than all those past loves.  I have been comparing it, trying to figure out why.  I've been dissecting the reasons he is the only one I've ever even considered cohabiting with, trying to come up with an explanation other than "I just know," or "It just feels right."  Finally, I think I've been able to figure it out.  It's not that I love him in a particular way, it's that I love him in all the ways.  We have a strong, connecting bond that only happens when you've been friends for over a decade. I am deeply attached.  I am fiercely protective of him and our relationship.  He is a member of my family, my inner circle.  But on top of all that, there is sparkly chemistry.  My heart pumps an extra beat or two when he seeks me out at home to give me a random kiss, or when we cuddle together on the couch.  And even though I enjoy my alone time, I am always happy to see him when he comes home.  I am as at ease with him as I am by myself, and that is saying something.  The combination of the sparks, comfort, and the fact that his presence adds to my life instead of drains my energy is how I know this is for real.  Really reals.